Thoughts on Motherhood on the Penultimate Day of 2016

Penultimate has the same number of syllables as "second to last".  Ryan thinks it's a useless word but I quite like it.

I'm waiting for a load of towels to finish in the wash so I can throw them in the dryer and head up to bed, but I wanted to record a few things in the waning hours of this calendar year because this year has been a big one for our family because TWINS, MAN. TWO BABIES. #LOL #TIRED  #BLESSED #AMIRITE (I quit the gramtram shortly after the babies were born and haven't looked back for a second! #winning. Okay, I'm done...:)

 So, it's going well.  Much better than I anticipated.  Big picture: they sleep well, they eat well, they poop well. Aces.  That doesn't mean it's easy because it's a lot of work. So much work.  I feel like I spend so much of my day trying to plan the next 30-60 minutes and then executing on that plan while trying to plan the next chunk of time.  Mothering feels 80% mental.  I've had moments when the burden of my responsibility takes my breath away.  I am responsible for the framework that supports the lives of 5 people.  The endless decision making for big and small, small things, the feeding, the clothing, the cleaning, the comforting, the giving... I'm not complaining.  My husband shares that burden and a unique set of his own tremendous responsibilities, but I sometimes wonder how I'm adult enough to do it.  Is this my life?

Anyways, the kids.

Theo is hilarious.  I think we mostly missed the terrible twos but we might be hurtling into the threenager stage.  When he's in trouble, he clams up and won't make eye contact, won't answer questions, and won't respond.  He's also getting kind of sassy.  Like, he'll yell at me, "This tiger wants milk now, I SAID, Mommy!"  (Sometimes he's a tiger.)  But he's so very sweet with his brothers and so into books, right now. SO into books.
James is a beast.  Ryan and I joke that he's an 18 month old trapped in a 7 month old body.  Army crawling at 5 months, full on crawling at 6 months and like, zooming around now and pulling himself up on EVERYTHING.  I went to the bathroom a few weeks ago, and when I came back and he was IN. THE. FIREPLACE. In the fireplace, playing with ashes. (And to be clear, it wasn't like, a "take your phone into the bathroom and chill out for 25 minutes while you leisurely void your bowels". This was an "I'm an expert mom and I can poop in 15 seconds. Badda bing, badda BOOM").  He picked up on the baby sign for "more" in like, two minutes and gets so excited when he does it and we respond to him.  He's super smiley and always has his little tongue poking out.
Everett is my squishy.  Sometimes when I play-bite his cheeks or his little hands, I'm worried I'm not going to able to stop and actually take a big bite out of him because he is delicious.  He just wants to laugh.  He'll look at you and laugh.  He laughs in his sleep.  He'll shriek to get Theo's attention and then laaauuuugh when Theo looks at him.  He can also put down solids like a total boss.  Sometimes he eats 3x as much as James and makes "mmmmmmmm" sounds the whole time.  He has incredible laser focus.  He'll play with a toy for up to 20 minutes, just turning it over and over in his hands and occasionally putting it up to his mouth.  He just cut his first two teeth and was weirdly angelic about the whole thing.

So, that's what's going on here.  The washer beeped a long time ago but I must have had some stuff on my chest because I feel lighter having written all of that.  Looking forward to 2017 and more #twinlife. ;)

Thoughts On Twin Pregnancy

Before this wild ride we're on screeches to a halt in the next week or so, I wanted to record a few things about my experience being pregnant with twins.

First Trimester:
So, so sick. Much sicker than I was with Theo, so much so that I vowed this was the last one.  I would lay on the couch in the evenings, exhausted, shivering and nauseous.  Several times, Ryan asked if I was sure I didn't just have a nasty flu bug.  I was eating at least every two hours, extra calories by the thousands it seemed like, and could only stomach the least appalling sounding foods. Forget anything fresh or natural, it was nothing that I could mentally power through. It was like, "What kind of sicko eats bananas? But I might be able to manage those Cheezits."  And even choking down the Cheezits was disgusting.  And forget changing messy diapers.  That was horrendous experience.
I was hosting a friend's baby shower right around my 12 week mark and would count every single day that brought us closer to that magical date, hoping that my nausea would be gone soon after.  I finally felt more energetic around 14-15 weeks and the long bouts of nausea dissipated but it took a few more weeks before I felt anything but nausea as a cue to eat during the day.
One bright spot of the first trimester was of course, finding out that we were having twins (!!) and they were dichorionic and diamniotic (two placentas, two amniotic sacs).  The first thing my doctor said to me after "There are two of them!" was, "Oh, Jessica, they look beautiful. Everything looks beautiful!"  It was so reassuring.  And so wonderfully exciting.
And then I felt them move at 12 weeks. Incredible.

Second Trimester:
I was counting on a grace period of feeling great and not showing much, like I had with my first pregnancy, but it was not to be. I started showing immediately and was horribly self conscious.  I got lots of comments from beloved friends and family along the lines of, "I can't believe how much you're showing already!"  If strangers congratulated me and asked how far along I was, their eyes would bug out at my response and the reactions to the news that it was twins ranged from horrified pity to manic excitement.  People are cool.
I tried hard to regain a sense of control over my diet and body during the second trimester because the first trimester was so disorienting (and because I am a control freak) but really, it ended up just being a lot of readjusting of expectations.  And then readjusting again when things progressed much faster or differently than I anticipated.  And Ryan and I staring at each other blankly, wide-eyed, exclaiming, "We're going to have twins. Twins." for weeks after.  It took a long time for me to feel like I regained some sense of equilibrium.
We  bought a minivan did a lot of housework and projects during the second trimester, which satisfied my love of checking things off a list but fueled some crazy nesting urges.  What started as, "Let's paint the nursery", ended with a freshly painted front door.
And then there were these crazy second trimester hormones.  I went through a dark period that lasted for weeks/months where I felt listless and indifferent to everything.  My pregnancy felt like a burden, my toddler felt like a chore, and getting out of bed every day seemed almost impossible.  I would have crying fits because I felt so miserable and the sometimes the crying would help, as a way to vent stress and anxiety and sometimes it wouldn't.  I talked to my doctor about it, and strangely, the next week, the fog seemed to lift.

Third Trimester:
Again, with the readjusting of expectations.  It seemed like as soon as we became accustomed to the mere thought of two babies, we were heading into the home stretch and soon enough, we would actually have two babies. TWO BABIES.
Physically, I felt like my pregnancy was uneventful and pretty painless up until 30ish weeks when I suddenly had no more lung capacity and zero energy and the prenatal workout DVD that I had been doing to help with back and hip pain became impossibly difficult.  Then I caught a vicious 24 hour bug at 31 weeks that landed me in the ER and maternity ward for overnight observation because I was contracting every 3 minutes from dehydration.  Fortunately, rehydration stopped the contractions and the babies were moving and behaving normally, so we were able to go home the next day.  Ryan was far sicker than I was and he had to stay home with Theo who was 98% recovered and intent on destroying everything he could get his hands on.
As I write this, I'm 37 weeks and feeling so fortunate to be here.  The babies are big and healthy and could be born any day now.  We're in that murky and beautiful time of truly and actively expecting.

Conclusion:
Being pregnant is hard.  Even when it's easy, it's hard.  I don't have diabetes,varicose veins or heartburn.  I never threw up, I don't have any signs of preeclampsia, and I'm not on bed rest.  Friends and family and the staff at my doctor's clinic tell me all the time that I'm amazing but I don't feel particularly amazing.  I feel like I'm doing what any mother would do; the best she can under the circumstances.  If things were more tenuous and medically uncertain and the babies were small and I was on bed rest and had a compromised cervix, no one would blame me.  They would probably tell me all the more how amazing I was.  So, I'm thankful, very thankful, for the strong web of love and support that has grown up around me and these twins that makes me feel so comforted and safe, but I can't take credit for anything.  I'm not the first to do this and I won't be the last and I would never have been able to make it this far without my squad.  This may be the hardest thing I've ever done but also, not so bad.  Parenting is full of paradoxes like that.  The worst/the best. I'd never choose to do this again/I want to do it a million more times.  I'm terrified/I can't wait.

TLDR:
"O Lord, thou art my God; I will exalt thee, I will praise thy name; for thou hast done wonderful things... For thou hast been a strength to the poor, a strength to the needy in his distress, a refuge from the storm, a shadow from the heat..." Isaiah 25:1, 4
That's real and I'm so thankful.

Welcome Back

Hi, there. It's been a long while, hasn't it?  I've had a lot of thoughts rolling around in my head this summer and even opened up a new post once or twice to let them out but chickened out, or got lazy, or something.
I want to find my writing voice.  Not like, be-naked-in-the-woods-hippie-retreat-style find  my voice, but more prosaic. More exercising the mind, more disciplining the thoughts, more wrestling with the words, more tinkering with sentences, more writing.  When I want to say something, I want to be able to say it.  I have an old textbook here, 'The Everyday Writer,' and just reading the table of contents gives me a sense of happy anticipation.  I think E.B. White also has some very helpful and interesting things to say about writing and I plan to track them down.
I turned 30 last week and it feels both big and like nothing at all. The days are full, and busy and graduating into a new decade of life seems too theoretical to be of much interest.  My family surprised me with a week long visit and it was a better gift than anything I could have imagined.  The whole time I kept thinking, I will remember this for the rest of my life.  The easy evening sunlight, the sound of the baby cousins running and laughing and running, the games of Rummikub, shopping with my sister, talking with my dad, and the inevitable family skirmishes because sometimes we're all jerks, even to the ones who love us the most. I felt like I was on vacation in my own house. It was wonderful.
My son at 16 months is an absolute joy.  I can't wait for him to wake up and when we sit together in the mornings, I rejoice in the tickle of his hair against my cheek, his weird baby/not baby smell, and his sturdy little body. This summer has been one long, sunny plateau for us.  He's been sleeping through the night since his first birthday, our bedtime routine is locked down tight, he eats everything, he takes two 2 hour naps on a predictable schedule, and spends the rest of his time running and exploring.  I love it.  He grins when he sees something new, giggles at his favorite books, points out every airplane passing overhead and waves bye-bye, and he loves to floss.  How can it get any better? And yet, I have complete confidence that it somehow will.  Likely it will get worse until it gets better until it gets worse until it gets better again and again.  They say a roller coaster wouldn't be any fun if it didn't go up and down, right?
All this is just to say, I plan to write and share here more often.

30 :)

In the Last 2 months and 20 days...

Babies born: 1

Loads of laundry done: 623

Minutes spent discussing frequency/color/texture/odor of baby's poop: 64

Minutes spent changing diapers: 1,080

Minutes spent exclaiming over naked baby's delicious thighs/tummy/toesies/smiles/rolls instead of changing diapers: 745

Minutes spent exclaiming over baby's knuckle dimples/elbow dimples/knee dimples/cheek dimples: 150

Minutes spent discreetly sniffing baby's hair/ears/neck: 289

Number of kiss attacks mercilessly inflicted on baby: 156

Pictures taken: 2,918

Number of times we've been on time to events and appointments: 1

Late-night, sleep-deprived impulse/panicked online purchases made for baby: 4

Tears shed because of hormones/utter exhaustion/fears of raising a reasonable human being/general panic about state of house/life/body: 825

Dinner dates taken: 2

Meals eaten with one hand and in 5 minutes or less: 39

Regrets: 0

{worth it}

A Beautiful Blur

Yesterday was my first Mother's Day.  I was overwhelmed by the outpouring of love and support from the beautiful women in my life, mothers and not.  If becoming a mother has made me anything, it has made me thankful.  During the first few weeks of Theo's life, I would find myself in the rare, quiet moments in the middle of the night or day with such a full heart that I would send up fervent, little prayers of thankfulness for my healthy, little son; for my dear, dear husband; for the love of our families; and for the special privilege of being a woman and a mother.  I love it all so much.  It's not that childcare isn't monotonous or gross sometimes because it definitely is but there's so much love in being a mother.  Sucking snot of his nose has proven to be a tremendously rewarding and gratifying experience, something I would not have believed myself capable of even days before he was born.  Waking up refreshed (?) after two hours of sleep (?!) and waiting for Theo as he begins to stir in his bassinet makes me feel like bursting and when (if) he goes back to sleep full, clean and content, an hour later, I can hardly fall back asleep for sheer happiness.  That's not say there aren't times when I wouldn't wake up to Theo's crying if it weren't for Ryan prodding me in the back and whispering, "Hey, wake up, mama bear" or red-faced screaming fits that set my nerves on edge and make me grit my teeth but these first 5 weeks have been like watching the night skies in time-lapse photography, a beautiful, awesome, humbling blur.

Life with a Bump

Ryan: Is that going to fit?

Me: Excuse me?

Ryan: I said, is that going to fit?

Me: Of course it will fit!  It won't button, if that's what you mean, but it fits.

Ryan: ....that is what I meant.

I got a new sweater.

This Week (24)

{morning commute} 

{I win}

I karate-chopped my glucose test and then went out and bought two loaves of bread and ordered dessert when Ryan took me out to eat the following night.  TAKE THAT, NON-DIABETES.  Hope you enjoyed that pizookie, Zebs.

I had my first run in with sciatica the other night when I tried to to stretch out my left leg while half asleep and felt a blow torch running down the side of my thigh.  I leaped out of bed like a scalded cat ... er, leaped adroitly and with as much alacrity as I could with an extra 20 lbs hanging off my front, and stretched my back a few different ways and thus avoided some serious midnight drama because OWIE.

The swimsuit I ordered for our upcoming trip to Hawaii fits!! Huzzah.  Is there any uglier word pair in the English language than "maternity swimsuit"? No.

I have been so touched by how sweet and considerate all of the dads in my life have been.  I work with a lot of men anyways, but those who are fathers and grandfathers have been so kind and interested in me and my baby.  I walked into a meeting where all the chairs were taken and immediately 3 of my male coworkers stood up to offer me theirs.

My nosebleeds are starting to wind down a little bit.  Only one this week!  Having a nasty cold really exacerbated things there for a while.

But The Hormones...they are making themselves known.  I got choked up this week watching a marketing video for one of our CPR training devices, seeing a random cell phone commercial and seeing a still from the Lion King of baby Simba with his parents. Wah!

In other news, my exciting weekend plans include cooking a whole head of cabbage to eat by myself since the other third of this family doesn't like cruciferous anything and cleaning the house.

{I win again!}

17 Weeks Until Baby Time

That's a bit more than a few extra pieces of Thanksgiving pie in there.  It's our own little turkey. (Code name: Zebedee Ebeneezer).  He's a friendly, easy-going little chap already and I can't complain about the last 23 weeks at all.  Of course I'm excited for his birthday in April but I'd like the next 17 weeks to streeeetttcch out as long as possible so that somehow, miraculously, we can get a whole bunch of important life stuff done.  Mostly like buy a house.  And choose a name.  And become ideal versions of ourselves who eat enough broccoli and vacuum at least once a week and don't wait until the gas light comes on.  But if none of those things happen, that's fine too, and we'll still have our baby boy and be happy.

This is Going to be the Summer of the Smoothie

I was recently expounding to a friend how lazy I am when it comes to cleaning blenders (and muffin tins and roasting racks and my oven and a multitude of other kitchen appliances) and that's why our blender didn't make the move to WA when another friend piped up and asked why I didn't just BLEND HOT SOAPY WATER AND CALL IT GOOD.  I had a moment like this while I registered her complete and utter genius then I went home and bought a blender and pinned a million smoothie "recipes" in anticipation.

I made two smoothies the first night (a green smoothie for dinner and a strawberry one for the hubs) and am totally stoked for all the possibilities.  I love anything that combines tons of weird stuff together.  Salads, sandwiches and smoothies are perfect for this.  How can I incorporate black tea into a smoothie?  Wait for it because it is coming...

The Weekend Report

The joke in the Pacific Northwest is that summer starts on July 5th but I feel we're in the thick of it now.  We've taken advantage of our last few weekends and have been road tripping and exploring and camping and brunching like its our job.  The hubs has been charming and full of funny jokes and stories and every outing turns into an adventure.  Like the time we bought 24 bottles of organic lemonade.  Huh.

My library queue of available titles is turning against me.  I now have books coming out of my ears and a careful schedule of when to actually check them out so as to prolong the time I have to read them.  I had forgotten what it's like to always be in the middle of a book and to be able to get away so quickly into another world.

The sweater I'm working on is in limbo.  I tore it out and started it again on smaller needles (size 1...I think I might be insane) to get the gauge the pattern calls for.  I have asked three experienced knitters for help and have gotten three different answers which worries me.  I may just have to stubbornly get through this without further consultations.

I want to take a summer break from work.  These long, sunny days with nothing more pressing than a library book and a knitting project to occupy my time are good days indeed.

5 Things (I've Been Reading)

{from the window of a bookstore in Bellingham}

The Help
So, so good.  So funny and so sad.  I figuratively could not put this book down.

The Cat Who Said Cheese
Formulaic and comforting.  I've probably read 15 books in this series because my mama likes them.

The Rules of Civility: A Novel
A tortured love story.  Snappy and literary.  I read this until my eyeballs fell out and my husband had to snap at me to go to sleep already.

The Shoemaker's Wife
An utter fairy tale where bad things do not happen.  The clumsy foreshadowing is distracting but charming.

The Indian Bride
A whodunit without resolution.  I like an ambiguous, subtle ending but this story line just dropped off, like, huh, what happened to the rest of the book? Boo.

I have been taking major advantage of library ebooks this summer.  I tore through these five titles and am on waiting lists for half a dozen more.  It's kind of fun not knowing which one will free up next so I've loaded the queue with a variety of old favorites and new releases. I foresee a lot of couch time this four day weekend.  Holla.

Five Things (On My Summer Bucket List)

Get rid of half my clothes!
Uh, okay. I don't know if 50% is the right target but I went through a serious purge last week and it feels amazing.  Now I need to figure out how to flip this wardrobe and make some moolah.  And don't talk to me about the JCrew and Anthropologie sales going on right now...

Knit a sweater
This is in the works! I bought yarn and have engaged one of my grandmotherly coworkers to help figure out gauge.  I want this to be the first in a series of rad knitting projects because I have a little niece or nephew coming who needs some hand-knitted love.

Bake more
I accidentally bought an extra bottle of yeast (not sure I missed my other bottle in my spotless and military-precision-organized fridge) so, that's a lot of cinnamon rolls in our future.

Do more outside
Last night we ate dinner outside and we're going camping next weekend but my goal is get us outside more.  There's a Shakespeare in the Park series that we are absolutely going to attend if the hubs has learned anything in 5 5/6 years of marriage.

Take some trips
We have tons more touristy things to do out heah.  Go on and get it.  Portland, San Juan Islands, Mt. Ranier, etc.

A Place at the Table

{oatmeal with pomegranate}

{pb toast with cinnamon sugar}

{quinoa with spinach and leftover broccoli}

{spice rub}

{grilled chzs and tomato soup}

{dork burger, sweet potato fries, vanilla shake}

I am always mildly embarrassed when I flip through my phone pictures and it's food, food, food, more food and yet more food.

I love food.

My parents and one sister are coming in a few days (and bringing a mini whipped cream machine!) and all the sight-seeing activities I can think of are places to eat.  Also, it is cherry season here in the Pacific Northwest and little roadside stands are popping up all over the place.  I'm looking forward to a week off, spending time with family and being a food tour guide!

Working Girl

{...erm}

I recently read this post about putting yourself in uncomfortable situations and have been thinking about it ever since because the last year of my life has been a very uncomfortable year professionally.  I never cried at work before I started my current job but more than once (or twice, or thrice) I have had to dash to my car and have a good stress-relieving bawl.  It's getting better now.  The finish line for the large project I've been managing is in sight and most of our major hurdles are behind us but it has been tough.

On top of managing a large, extremely visible project, I have had to adapt to an industry and department in which I have zero experience.  I didn't even know people like my coworkers existed.  They are mostly engineers, mostly men, and for the first 8-9 months I had no rapport with any of them and I was miserable because I felt like an outsider.  Now I have a little niche in our team and some great work friendships that have sprung up over time.  I am still trying to define that niche since I work in a fairly sexist environment.  I get teased about wearing skirts, about being adorable, about being young; I get called 'kiddo' and 'dear' and told I'm too little to do some things and have men offer to take over certain tasks for me.  None of it is intended to be offensive or belittling but I have had to put my foot down, especially on the 'dear' thing.  Mostly it just fuels my desire to succeed because WHEN I'M YOUR BOSS, YOU CAN'T CALL ME 'KIDDO'.  Just kidding/not kidding...

I recently asked two directors at my company to mentor me and it has already been a major help in framing my experience over the last year.  (Apparently I love to be uncomfortable because I chose two mentors who kind of scare me even though I admire their work).  The initial discussions we've had have been thought-provoking, clarifying and have reinforced my belief in my company's mission and values because these two individuals clearly believe in them.

In no particular order, the most helpful advice they've given me is:

• Be tough and be realistic.
• It's not about being fair, it's about helping the business succeed.
• Manage risk and the schedule will follow.
• Look to the small accomplishments to keep you going through a long project.
• Figure out what you're good at and work at being better at it.  Don't try to be good at something you hate and are not good at to begin with.
• When you're good at something you enjoy, you'll be successful.
• Don't be afraid to point out the obvious.
• Being different from everyone else is a benefit to the company.  Don't be afraid to speak up.
• Don't be afraid to narrow your focus when it comes to figuring out what you want to do.  It can be scary to feel like you're eliminating options but it will help.
• Being successful in your career is like being married; it takes commitment. 

The advice might not sound like much out of context but having these discussions and being able to pose my questions to these professionals has been tremendous.  In fact, it was during a low day that I decided if I don't get anything else out of this job, I will leave with someone else's knowledge in my head because I am going to take advantage of the great people that work here.

And so it goes, one day at a time.

Uh, Yeah, Dude!

Glitter flats on a sunny day are spectacular.  I occasionally feel guilty for taking pleasure in such trivial things but I just have to tell my brain to pipe down and let it be.

Pipe down and let it be.  I need this.  Work has been car-aaaazzzzzzzy.

And speaking of glitter flats, if you had told me 6 months ago, that I would consider glitter flats a neutral staple, I would have SCOFFED.  There have been a few things this Spring that I'm suddenly into that I was never into before. Like maxi skirts, my Mia, blackberries, stripes and staying up late.

Other trivial things making me happy:

1. It's sunny and warm this week.  Like, gorgeous.
2. I got my hair to hold some volume! Granted it's dirty, back-combed and hair-sprayed but check out this bouffant, folks.
3. Last night we took a walk during golden hour and held hands the whole time.
4. I thrifted a Christian Dior sweater skirt for $7.
5. I am within 10 seconds of getting 3 stars in my TapTiles game.  I'm obsessed.

{ glitter! }

{ menu planning and Saturday morning mate }

{ ensaladita }

Yeah, That's About Right

Last Tuesday, we were craving cinnamon rolls so we hit Panera 5 minutes before it closed and I got a cobblestone muffin thing and went straight home and beat my high score on Triple Town by a million points.  Literally a million points.  Sugar and stress are a powerful combination.

The last month has consisted of work, work!, banana bread, work, new flats, work!, weekend getaway, work. More or less.  I think I also ate a small jar of apricot jam by myself.

The hubs whisked me away for a weekend in Leavenworth last weekend and while I enjoyed our time together tremendously I found the Bavarian facades everywhere to be kind of creepy and our bed and breakfast to be a little hinky.  I don't like family style breakfasts and I don't like having to eat with newly engaged couples who humble-brag.  I'm grouchy.

On the plus side, I love my new flats.  Just black this time.

{ fuzzy knitting }

I've Got Sunshine In a Bowl

{thrift score}

{saturday lunch date}

{mama made scarf}

{sunshine in a bowl}

{sewing project!}

It's been a mild winter this year and there are already some flowers coming up (what!) but it feels like that weird transitional time of year at the tail end of winter (maybe?) where anything could happen.  Like a sunny patch followed by a hailstorm and thunder.  What's a body to do but go out for frozen yogurt in the hail?
Or today.  I had the day off (my team took a holiday today in lieu of MLK day last month) and didn't do much other than read an Earl Stanley Gardner and eat a really offensive amount of Doritos.  But then, I started fooling around with my sewing machine and ka-pow, two new pillow covers.  Weird.

Oopsie Poopsie

It's been pretty quiet around here for a month and I'm finding it difficult to start it up again.  What I've been eating and knitting and reading don't seem too enthralling to me right now.  And yet I miss writing and sharing because all my energy has been focused on work.  My work stress goes from bipolar (there's light at the end of the tunnel!!!!!) to flat-line monopolar (nm...that's a train) and I struggle sometimes to remember that the real fabric of my life is not made up of work but of love and family and our little home.

To that end,  some of the little wins this week have been a successful pancake dinner (pancakes are my nemesis but on Tuesday I won a battle in the war) and the beginnings of Spring Purging.  A couple weeks ago, my freestanding clothing rack toppled over at 3 am and disgorged half a dozen cardigans and most of my skirts.  I have a freestanding rack for additional extra space to hang clothes because I can't fit everything in my closet and that clothing rack collapsed because it had too much stuff on it.  As a short term fix, I grabbed armfuls of stuff and stashed it in our guest bedroom until I could appropriately deal with it.  Ugh.  Today, I am finally starting to deal with it and it feels good.  I went through my scarves, sweaters, short-sleeve shirts, long-sleeve shirts and skirts and pulled out everything I haven't worn this winter or that has a known grudge against it (I'm looking at you, deep v-neck tee that I never have a tank top for).  This is a preliminary pass but my end goal is a whittled down closet of things that I love.

Other things that I am looking forward to are a bedroom refresh (new duvet on the way! cheers!) and this art exhibit.  And these muffins....I have a thing lately for chocolate chips.  That sounds like a good weekend to me.

This From a Graduate of Longfellow

Ryan: Hey, that's a school! For kids.  *pause* Oh, never mind.  It's a zoo.

Me: WHAT?

Ryan: Well.....it had signs for school buses.  The bars confused me, though.

Oatmeal Wheatgerm Chocolate Chip Cookies (OWG!)

Specialty's Bakery has a ridiculous Oatmeal Wheatgerm Chocolate Chip cookie that I dearly love even though my husband teases me mercilessly about my affinity for gross, healthy food.  I'm a girl.  I like more than chicken fingers and pizza.  Is that hummus?  And that cookie is emphatically not health food - so much chewy, oaty, buttery goodness.  My, oh my.
 
I have searched high and low for a copy cat recipe and while there doesn't seem to be an exact one available, there are a lot of yummy versions.  I was a little apprehensive about attempting these since I've never made a cookie like this before but they turned out to be delicious.  To a girl.  The hubs nibbled on one and was like, "Eh". I baked an initial 6  (gone in a flash) and froze the rest but it's snowing right now so I busted out another half dozen and they are baking now.  I know what I'm having for dinner.

These differ from Specialty's because of the cinnamon and regular sized chocolate chips.  I'm also not sure if the original has coconut.  I must resolve this uncertainty with exhaustive research from a large sample size.

OWG Chocolate Chip Cookies
Adapted  from Caroline's Bake Shop: Wheat Germ Chocolate Chip Cookies 

1/2 cup + 2 Tbsp butter, softened (I had an extra nub of butter hanging around so I tossed it in, I'm guessing it was around 2 Tbsp)
1/2 cup granulated sugar
1/2 cup brown sugar 

1 large egg 
2 teaspoons vanilla extract
 
3/4 cup old-fashioned oats
3/4 cup whole wheat flour and 1/4 cup oat flour (or 1 cup whole wheat flour)
1/2 cup ground flax seeds 
1/2 cup raw wheat germ 
1/2 cup unsweetened coconut flakes 
1/2 teaspoon baking soda 
1/2 teaspoon salt
1 teaspoon cinnamon (optional)

1 cup chocolate chips 

1.  In the bowl of a stand mixer fitted with a paddle attachment, cream together butter and sugars until fluffy and light in color. Add egg and vanilla and blend in.

3.  Mix in oats, flour, flax seeds, wheat germ, coconut flakes, baking soda, salt and cinnamon until just combined.  Stir in chocolate chips.

4.  Line a loaf pan with parchment paper and press cookie dough into loaf pan.  Chill for at least 1 hour.

5.  Preheat oven to 400 F.

6.  Lift parchment paper out of loaf pan and "slice" cookie dough into approximately 21 cubes.

7.  Place cookies 1-2 inches apart and bake for 10 to 12 minutes (I bake all my cookies on stoneware, so if you're using a metal cookie sheet, knock off 2-3 minutes?).  Let cool on the sheet for 5 minutes.  Remove from baking sheet and allow to cool completely on wire rack.