Two (Actually Three) Stories about Poop

1) Bing has a Bing It On blind test thing that shows Bing results and Google results without displaying which is which and then you choose the results you feel are the most helpful.  Out of 5 searches, the only one I preferred the Google results for was 'poop'.  On the left side, there is a picture of unicorn poop and an article about a poop burger (!?).  I'm sold.  (Please don't ask why I would search for 'poop'.  My fingers typed it before my brain realized what was happening...)

2) On Friday, on my drive to work, I saw a tanker truck with a Port-a-Potty attached to the back and the tank presumably full of er... Port-a-Potty stuff.  It made a left hand turn into a farm and hit a bump and the whole vehicle went KACHUNK with a terrific jolt.  My heart stopped.  But the Port-a-Potty remained firmly attached and the tank sloshed but nothing happened.  Complete and Utter Disaster Avoided.

3) At work, our bathrooms are plastered with signs that say "DO NOT STAND ON THE TOILET SEAT". Um.  Yikes.  I try not to think about who/what/when/why but there was once some evidence of something on the outside of the toilet bowl.  Outside of the toilet bowl.  I immediately decided that in fact I would enjoy a brisk walk to the other side of the building to visit their facilities.  Public restrooms are the scariest places in the universe.

I Get Dressed in the Dark and Other Mishaps

{shoe stretching in mega-style}

I recently realized that if I took a good, long look at what I put on the morning, I would never get out of the house.  It's probably a good thing I get dressed in the dark because most days when I catch a full length glimpse of my reflection in our big windows at work, my first thought is "whaaaaaaaat?" and by then it's too late.  Fortunately (unfortunately?), my older lady coworkers seem to approve of what I have going on but I suspect from their compliments on my "color coordinating", that they mean "matching".  Someone even asked me if I bought something as a set.  Shudder.  And the day I did my hair at the very last stoplight before getting to work, someone told me they liked it.  Getting dressed in the dark and doing your hair at stoplights should not be complimented.  When I think I look adorable and the 17 minutes of hair-doing was totally worth it, no one utters a peep.

There is no justice in life.

Last weekend, I was deeply engrossed in A Discovery of Witches which someone recommended to me as not a grown up version of Twilight but in fact is exactly that.  I don't think I like any book where the main male character is a grouchy, hot vampire and where all the action is sandwiched by the main female character alternately dozing off or digging into huge plates of food.  Surely you can't be that hungry or that sleepy when you're afraid of the wrath of the entire magical world raining down on you?

Adding to my misery, a 20 something coworker asked me what I did all the time since I don't drink and all I could think of was, "I like to bake?"  Just think if one went home and baked a cake like some go home and have a glass of wine?  I would be chubby.  Real chubby.

And speaking of chubby, I took in a pair of boots to have the calves stretched and every single time I go in to pick them up one of two things happens; I cannot zip up the right boot or I zip it up and the zipper teeth burst open.  Last week, one of the guys joked that I must have a "gas pedal leg".  Bless his humorous cobbler heart for keeping me humble about my one enormous calf.

Oh, and I bought a fourth pair of pink flats.  I am officially out of control.

All Your Boss Are Report To Me

A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away, I interned with a small publishing company.  It was the kind of place where my daily workload might be to edit an article and then vacuum the office.  But there were Hot Pockets stocked in the fridge and I had my own desk and the other intern and I had a good ol' time.

The highlight of my internship occurred at the Christmas party where My Boss, upon meeting Ryan for the first time, asked him who he reported to at the company he works for and then proclaimed that Ryan's boss's boss's boss's boss's boss's boss's boss's boss reported to him when he worked for the same company.  Awesome.  I think that many levels of boss puts you at Emperor of the Universe.

Managing Emperors of the Universe must like to drink fancy water because once, when the Culligan man stopped by and asked if we were interested in having a water cooler in the office, My Boss (who was receiving daily calls from Audi's billing department...) asked if they carried Pellegrino water because that was all he drank at home.  The honest blue collar Culligan man replied with some confusion that they did not have Pellegrino but they did have Kandiyohi water?

Now I snicker every time I have one these.  They're all I drink at home.

That internship was the best thing that ever happened to me, if you measure success by the number of bizarre stories you add to your repertoire.  Like the sales manager there with steel knees, one glass eye and a part time job as a personal body guard.